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Sometimes, I force myself to recall his picture in death. To remind me he’s not coming back and he really is dead so my head doesn’t keep pretending he’ll just show up. Sometimes, I force myself to think about him in his coffin. Him who didn’t look like him but had his hair. Even inContinue reading “Death Face”

Music is the absolute worst. The sad songs make me sadder. The songs that are happy and remind me of him, well, they remind me of him. I wonder about the artists who wrote these. How many times do they sing it in tears? Did they write in tears? Were they done and smiled becauseContinue reading “Stupid Songs”

We’re getting closer to the one year mark. It’s hard not to revisit all those lasts – the last time we spoke, the last time I saw him, the last time he texted. His last words to me were “I’m going to get a cup of coffee.” I never texted him back. I hope heContinue reading “last moments revisit”

Why do this? I was 22 when I had my son. I was 42 when I lost him. I have 5 other children and an honorary daughter. I own a coffee shop and buildings in town. I work with 4H, coach soccer, and serve on a local school board. I am surrounded. And supported. AndContinue reading “Me”

When I see little babies or toddlers now, I think of him alone. I don’t think of my other children during similar timeframes in their lives. I feel as though those memories of him are something I’ve always had even before his death and something that his death cannot take away. Perhaps I replay thoseContinue reading “Memories”

There’s no place to exist when you find out your child has died. This boy who has been a part of your soul. This boy who was creating such chaos in the last few weeks. This boy who was struggling and we had no idea. This boy who was so brilliant, creative, passionate, and charismatic.Continue reading “Numbness”

You see the movies. Hear the news. You know there is that one phone call you never want to get. You know they will tell you to sit down. You know you will not, not ever thinking that this is THAT phone call. But it is. It is that call. And you do everything thatContinue reading “Death over the Phone”